Today the myspace kudos go to...

I went to the mall today to get a pair of Doc Martens and as soon as I pulled into the parking lot, I was irritated.

The place was packed.

Usually I go to the mall during the week, when there's less people to piss me off, but I wanted to get these damn Docs today, so I parked and hurried my ass in.

What a cluster fuck.

Not to be discouraged, I headed to the store that I knew sold Docs so I could get them and get the hell out. Much to my displeasure, the shoe store only had three black Docs available, none of which were suitable.

Not to make the trip a complete waste, I headed to Hot Topic to pick up a belated Christmas gift I never got around to buying. I happen to like some of the clothes in Hot Topic, but I always feel like a poser when I go in there. Ironically, many of the clothes they sell are shirts with TV shows that were on when I grew up. So, in reality, they are the posers, not me dammit.

After I grabbed the gift, I headed to Suncoast 'cause they always have the best toys on clearance. Fuck this 'action figure' bullshit, they're toys. I call them like I see them and I have plenty of them. And, ZOMG, they are out of the package, on display, around the house. Collectors be damned.

So I grabbed one of McFarland's toys from "The Infernal Parade" series, and another "action figure" to be mailed out to a friend, and headed to the register.

Once at the register, I was stuck behind a "talker." Well, actually two talkers. The employee and the customer were just having a dandy conversation. Interesting as hell, too. Too bad you can't hear the dripping sarcasm.

Luckily, though, I was saved when another employee came behind the counter and waved me over. I could tell she had no time for the dandyness the other two were involved in.

As she was ringing me up, she mentioned that she had tried on a pair of pants, but they were too small and she was like "what the hell?" I noticed she was thin, but my mind was on other things, so I simply nodded.

Then, looking at my purchases, she said, "You going to go see Hostel?"

Yeah, now we're talking. I said, "I want to. I still need to see Wolf Creek. Have you seen that?"

"Yeah, it's really good. It really reminded me of The Last House on the Left. I'm a big fan of exploitation."

Rock on, sister.

I said, "Have you seen August Underground?"

She said, "Yeah, that was great."

"I got a copy of it for review, and it blew me away."

"Review? Who do you review for?"

"HorrorTalk.com."

"No shit? What's your name over there?"

"Alien Redrum."

"No shit? I've read your reviews. I just read that one, uh, shit. The J-Horror one."

"Scary True Stories?" I asked.

"Yeah."

Now that's what I'm talking about. I've received emails before on my reviews, but this was the first a "real live" person mentioned them. So today the myspace kudos go to Suncoast Girl because she made an otherwise shitty trip to the mall bearable.

The bar of the gods...

I went to happy hour last night with a few friends and was having a good time drinking and carrying on when a hottie walks in with her male friend (because in Stewieland, all hot girls are single, waiting for him to talk to them).

The two sit at the bar just behind me, but I was sitting in such a way that I could just glance to my right and check her out. Until Walter Sobchak (John Goodman's character in The Big Lebowski) came up and started talking to the two. Completely blocking me out.

Okay, listen guys, if you are hanging out with a hot girl, even if she's your girlfriend, you need to position yourself in such a way that other people can check her out.

Don't be so damn selfish.

On a somewhat related note, we planned the locale for next week's happy hour.

The bar we are going to next week has a rockabilly motif, hardcore on tap and a lesbian clientele.

That's right. Lesbians. Lipstick ones, at that.

That, friends, is the bar of the gods.

Can I get a fuck yeah?

Dork, redux...

A while back, Ace had shot me a pretty damn cool pic of some of his F. Paul Wilson LE collection.

I thought it was pretty cool (all the spines lined up to form one picture when the series was complete), so I decided to take a picture of my collection of autographed books (and spoken word CDs).

Sadly, my spines don't form a picture.





Oh, and that red box in the first pic? That, kiddos, contains an original ViewMaster and hundreds of those circle things. I've had that damn thing for probably over 20 years. And I know it's mine because I labeled it with one of those old label makers you had to squeeze with about 36 pounds of pressure to make a letter.

I rule.

For those who celebrate Christmas on 12/25...

Merry Christmas!

Right on pops...

I went to the liquor store tonight to pick up some lottery tickets as my mother's holiday gift. (The "dreaming of a white trash Christmas" joke has already been used by myself, so you are going to think of something else).

As I was walking through the parking lot, I heard a father yelling at his kids because they were running through the parking lot acting like the little bastards most kids are.

He finally yelled, "Knock it off! I don't want you getting hit by a car on Christmas Eve!"

Right on pops! Any other time is fine, just not Christmas Eve. I can dig that. You spend all that money on gifts, only to either have them go to waste, or deal with the pain in the ass of returning them. I hear you!

And don't think for a second that was sarcasm.

Happy holidays, everybody!

Wonderful...

Chris Meloni is a great actor. He does a great job on "Law & Order: SVU" as Det. Stabler, and I think the show would suffer without him.

However, as I was telling Lesley last night, watching him on SVU gets damn distracting sometimes because I keep expecting him to strip naked as he was so fond of doing when he played Chris Keller on "OZ." Not something I particularly want to see.

Of course I wouldn't have any problems if Kathryn Erbe from "Law & Order: Criminal Intent" stripped naked like she did on "OZ," but that's neither here nor there.

Anyway, I went to grab some lunch today from the awesome Red Hot & Blue and while I was waiting to be seated, I noticed the plaque that had the franchise owner's name.

Chris Keller.

Wonderful.

So if it wasn't bad enough that I'm expecting Keller to get naked on Law & Order, I have to worry about him putting his manhood all over my ribs when I go out to eat.

Don't expect me to order extra sauce anytime soon.

I didn't splurge on the $3500 edition...

I'm a sucker for limited edition books. I've probably dropped at least $500 on limiteds this year.

Now, five hundred over the course of a year may not sound like much, but considering that five hundred got me about eight to ten books, well, there you go.

Now, since I'm a sucker for limited editions AND a sucker for Stephen King, how could I resist an exclusive King title from Cemetery Dance?

I didn't splurge on the $3500 edition, nor did I grab the $750 one.

But I thought the $75 edition was right up my alley.

If you read, support Cemetery Dance. Best deals and best customer service I've ever had.

I'm a man of my word...

On occasion, I am fortunate enough to get a Nigerian looking for money.

When I am patient, I can make them say some pretty stupid things.

The other night, though, I had no patience.

I have not made any spelling corrections as that would be too much work.

For the record, and contrary to what Fnordboy says, I am not an aryan. I just play one on Yahoo.

And, fuck, this thing is long. I may edit it later. Or I may just forget about it.

[22:30] bakkiy_luv_care: hello are u there?

[22:31] Alien_Redrum1947: NEED A PIC BEFORE I CAN TALK TO YOU.
[22:31] Alien_Redrum1947: BLOND HAIR BLUE EYE ONLY
[22:31] Alien_Redrum1947: SIG HEIL

[22:31] bakkiy_luv_care: okay
[22:31] bakkiy_luv_care: so what ur name?

[22:31] Alien_Redrum1947: NEED A PIC
[22:31] Alien_Redrum1947: NEED A PIC
[22:32] Alien_Redrum1947: YOU BETTER BE VANILLA

[22:32] bakkiy_luv_care: are u m or f?
[22:32] bakkiy_luv_care: where are u from ?
[22:32] bakkiy_luv_care: im comeig i let you see me pic

[22:32] Alien_Redrum1947: I AM A SUPERMAN

[22:32] bakkiy_luv_care: ok
[22:32] bakkiy_luv_care: ok
[22:33] bakkiy_luv_care: nice to have u here
[22:33] bakkiy_luv_care: so what ur name?

[22:33] Alien_Redrum1947: I NEED A PIC
[22:33] Alien_Redrum1947: I NEED TO KEEP THE BLOOD CLEAN
[22:33] Alien_Redrum1947: I CAN'T TAINT THE BLOOD
[22:33] Alien_Redrum1947: CAN'T TALK TO YOU UNLESS YOU ARE A SUPERWOMAN

[22:33] bakkiy_luv_care: yse i ima
[22:33] bakkiy_luv_care: okay
[22:33] bakkiy_luv_care: soon u will see me pic
[22:34] bakkiy_luv_care: aoky

[22:34] Alien_Redrum1947: brb
[22:34] bakkiy_luv_care: babe what state are u there?

[22:34] Alien_Redrum1947: gonna go burn a cross in shiki's yard
[22:34] Alien_Redrum1947: he's tainting the blood

[22:34] bakkiy_luv_care: really
[22:35] bakkiy_luv_care: whta about me herte babe i mnost tell you that im here be/cos og u okay
[22:36] bakkiy_luv_care: im here bacos u of u here okay

[22:37] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm here
[22:37] Alien_Redrum1947: let's get down to it
[22:37] Alien_Redrum1947: you want money
[22:37] Alien_Redrum1947: i want cyber sex
[22:37] Alien_Redrum1947: talk dirty to me
[22:37] Alien_Redrum1947: bonus points if you can spell correctly

[22:38] bakkiy_luv_care: lkove why are u saying this im just here to know 4 the frist time okas

[22:38] Alien_Redrum1947: you want to have cyber sex?
[22:38] Alien_Redrum1947: wait
[22:38] Alien_Redrum1947: ARE YOU 18 OR OLDER?

[22:39] bakkiy_luv_care: im 22 here and u?

[22:39] Alien_Redrum1947: 33
[22:39] Alien_Redrum1947: i don't need a picture
[22:39] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm going to pretend you are bea arthur
[22:39] Alien_Redrum1947: let's have cyber sex now

[22:40] bakkiy_luv_care: ooy oy is that why u are here with me?

[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: yes
[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: i want teh sex
[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: talk dirty to me, baby

[22:40] bakkiy_luv_care: babe in de frist plice where are u from ?
[22:40] bakkiy_luv_care: and what is ur name?

[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm from USA
[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: where we cyber on first meeting

[22:40] bakkiy_luv_care: ok

[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: my name is Tom

[22:40] bakkiy_luv_care: what sate are u dare

[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: New Jersey
[22:40] Alien_Redrum1947: enough with this small talk!

[22:41] bakkiy_luv_care: Tom u hvae a nice name there

[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: i take off your shirt
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: hmmmmm
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: your boobies sag to your knees
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: i like that

[22:41] bakkiy_luv_care: really

[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: yes
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: will you take off my pants?

[22:41] bakkiy_luv_care: babe u havce to let me be frist okay

[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: no baby
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: i have money
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm a rich man
[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: i need a woman

[22:41] bakkiy_luv_care: ok

[22:41] Alien_Redrum1947: but i need to know if she can please me
[22:42] Alien_Redrum1947: now take off my pants

[22:42] bakkiy_luv_care: so what do u 4 aliveing?

[22:42] Alien_Redrum1947: i don't work. i inherited money
[22:42] Alien_Redrum1947: my parents died in the amazon

[22:42] bakkiy_luv_care: stop that babe im not here 4 that

[22:42] Alien_Redrum1947: they were wealthy

[22:42] bakkiy_luv_care: okay

[22:42] Alien_Redrum1947: can we please have sex now?
[22:42] Alien_Redrum1947: i want you
[22:43] Alien_Redrum1947: you're saggy boobs get me teh hot
[22:43] Alien_Redrum1947: take off my pants

[22:43] bakkiy_luv_care: i need some oe that iwll be a rosupble for not one that willl take has u do okay

[22:43] Alien_Redrum1947: i don't know what that means
[22:43] Alien_Redrum1947: i don't speak retard. :(

[22:43] bakkiy_luv_care: so

[22:43] Alien_Redrum1947: so, are you taking off my pants now
[22:43] Alien_Redrum1947: ?

[22:44] bakkiy_luv_care: why are u saying all this don/t you now that my mom is here with me?

[22:44] Alien_Redrum1947: AWESOME

[22:44] bakkiy_luv_care: don;t you kanow that

[22:44] Alien_Redrum1947: A THREESOME
[22:44] Alien_Redrum1947: can she take off my pants, then?

[22:44] bakkiy_luv_care: yse with me

[22:44] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm gonna suck on your pancake nipples while your mom takes off my pants okay?
[22:45] Alien_Redrum1947: has your mom taken off my pants yet?

[22:45] bakkiy_luv_care: well do u hvae cam?

[22:45] Alien_Redrum1947: my fat cock is bulging because i'm so hard

[22:45] bakkiy_luv_care: can i seee u on ur cam?

[22:45] Alien_Redrum1947: but they are trapped in my pants

[22:45] bakkiy_luv_care: nopw

[22:45] Alien_Redrum1947: do you have one?

[22:45] bakkiy_luv_care: now

[22:45] Alien_Redrum1947: you show me your cam.
[22:45] Alien_Redrum1947: you first
[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: c'mon baby
[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: i have another person waiting for cbyer
[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: but you are first
[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: so you want to do this with me and your mom or what.

[22:46] bakkiy_luv_care: ok

[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: awesome

[22:46] bakkiy_luv_care: so u hvae to let me be okay

[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: and i'll send you some money
[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: you want some money?
[22:46] Alien_Redrum1947: i have lots

[22:47] bakkiy_luv_care: so u wanna send me money
[22:47] bakkiy_luv_care: ?

[22:47] Alien_Redrum1947: yes
[22:47] Alien_Redrum1947: but i need to know if you are good at teh sex first
[22:47] Alien_Redrum1947: that's how we do it in the states

[22:47] bakkiy_luv_care: how much are u goanna send to me here?

[22:47] Alien_Redrum1947: how much you need, baby
[22:47] Alien_Redrum1947: plus it depends on how good you and your mom are
[22:47] Alien_Redrum1947: i'll send you both money

[22:48] bakkiy_luv_care: u just tell me how much u are going send to me here

[22:48] Alien_Redrum1947: how's 50K to start?

[22:48] bakkiy_luv_care: cos if u do that i ill like to come over to meeet you there this week

[22:48] Alien_Redrum1947: really?
[22:48] Alien_Redrum1947: but we have to have the cyber now, though

[22:48] bakkiy_luv_care: yes

[22:48] Alien_Redrum1947: i need to know what i'm getting, first

[22:49] bakkiy_luv_care: that is what i want you to do if u really wanna hvae everything doing with me okay

[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: OKAY
[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: OKAY
[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: hurry up.
[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: my cock is still hard
[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: how old is your mom?

[22:49] bakkiy_luv_care: because if im there with u i will do all u want to you opkay

[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: YES!
[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: what about your mom

[22:49] bakkiy_luv_care: cos i will not want you to hvae anyotherr woman

[22:49] Alien_Redrum1947: will she do what i want, too?

[22:50] bakkiy_luv_care: like what plz?

[22:50] Alien_Redrum1947: like sex
[22:50] Alien_Redrum1947: i want sex
[22:50] Alien_Redrum1947: i want it now

[22:50] bakkiy_luv_care: u mean my mom?

[22:50] Alien_Redrum1947: BOTH OF YOU
[22:50] Alien_Redrum1947: if you don't have sex with me now, though, i'm gonna leave and give the money to someone else

[22:50] bakkiy_luv_care: how she do mthat why u hvae me alredy/?

[22:51] Alien_Redrum1947: because you aren't experienced like your mom is
[22:51] Alien_Redrum1947: let's fuck
[22:51] Alien_Redrum1947: c'mon
[22:51] Alien_Redrum1947: will you be bea arthur?

[22:51] bakkiy_luv_care: babe dont u klnow that u are insout my momhere cos im talking to you and u are make that statement to my mom why

[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: because i like your mom
[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: i want her, too
[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: tell your mom to leave the room
[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: we need to have sex
[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: because i'm leaving otherwise
[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: i don't have time for games

[22:52] bakkiy_luv_care: well if u dont want me you can go instate that satte ment to my mom

[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: PUT HER ON
[22:52] Alien_Redrum1947: I'LL TELL HER

[22:53] bakkiy_luv_care: that why i told u if u really want me send de ,money so that ican come ovewr to you soon

[22:53] Alien_Redrum1947: is your mom there
[22:53] Alien_Redrum1947: YES OR NO

[22:53] bakkiy_luv_care: so that we bprth can betother
[22:53] bakkiy_luv_care: has one okay
[22:53] bakkiy_luv_care: that is what i want from you now

[22:53] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm not going to be with someone who won't have sex with me
[22:53] Alien_Redrum1947: I WANT SEX NOW

[22:54] bakkiy_luv_care: ok

[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: MONEY AFTER SEX
[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: i can get the money out tonight

[22:54] bakkiy_luv_care: so if u wnatr do this howmuch are u give me for now?

[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: but before money comes, i do
[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: 50K
[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: that's 50,000

[22:54] bakkiy_luv_care: 50,000 what?

[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: dollars
[22:54] Alien_Redrum1947: US
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: dollars

[22:55] bakkiy_luv_care: really

[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: that's a drop of what i have
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: i have millions

[22:55] bakkiy_luv_care: so where didi u get that from ?

[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: what are you wearing
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: MY PARENTS DIED
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: LETS SEX NOW

[22:55] bakkiy_luv_care: ok
[22:55] bakkiy_luv_care: send de money to me now?

[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: NO
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: SEX FIRST

[22:55] bakkiy_luv_care: how are u going do that now?

[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: i have connections
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: look
[22:55] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm tired

[22:56] bakkiy_luv_care: i will do that to you here okay

[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: you going to sex or what
[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: let's sex now
[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: because i'm going to sign off if you don't
[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: what are you wearing

[22:56] bakkiy_luv_care: just end de money and i will like make de love to you opkay

[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: nope
[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: last chance
[22:56] Alien_Redrum1947: are you going to suck on my wizard stick?

[22:57] bakkiy_luv_care: well if uwnat that

[22:57] Alien_Redrum1947: you put your mouth on my stick?

[22:57] bakkiy_luv_care: but just send de money for to know that u are really with money and then i will make de love to you here has long ahs u want okay

[22:57] Alien_Redrum1947: you know what
[22:57] Alien_Redrum1947: put your mom on

[22:58] bakkiy_luv_care: what dare?

[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: 'i want to talk to your mom
[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: I WANT TO TALK TO YOUR MOM

[22:58] bakkiy_luv_care: know
[22:58] bakkiy_luv_care: npo no non nonon

[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: no
[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: you are no fun
[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: put your mom on
[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: i'm bringing her over
[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: you can't have sex
[22:58] Alien_Redrum1947: put your mom on
[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: PUT YOUR MOM ON
[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: I WANT TO TALK TO HER!

[22:59] bakkiy_luv_care: imm here 4 you give my mom out thsi take me are do one okay

[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: bullshit
[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: you won't give me the sex
[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: i bet your mom will

[22:59] bakkiy_luv_care: brb
[22:59] bakkiy_luv_care: but du add me to ur list?

[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: no
[22:59] Alien_Redrum1947: not unless you give me the sex or give me your mom

[23:00] bakkiy_luv_care: look here mom cal my now so u can add me to ur list okay
[23:00] bakkiy_luv_care: now?

[23:00] Alien_Redrum1947: NO
[23:00] Alien_Redrum1947: SEX
[23:00] Alien_Redrum1947: suck on me
[23:00] Alien_Redrum1947: NOW
[23:00] Alien_Redrum1947: or you don't get the list

[23:00] *** (Link: yahoo://0:yahoo-profile:bakkiy_luv_care)bakkiy_luv_care has added you to their contact list. You may choose to (Link: yahoo://0:yahoo-accept:bakkiy_luv_care)accept or (Link: yahoo://0:yahoo-deny:bakkiy_luv_care)deny this action. You may also (Link: yahoo://0:yahoo-add:bakkiy_luv_care)add this user to your contact list or (Link: yahoo://0:yahoo-ignore:bakkiy_luv_care)ignore this user.
[23:00] *** You have denied access to bakkiy_luv_care.

[23:01] Alien_Redrum1947: DENIED
[23:01] Alien_Redrum1947: NO SEX
[23:01] Alien_Redrum1947: NO LIST
[23:01] Alien_Redrum1947: what's it gonna be
[23:01] Alien_Redrum1947: you have 3 minutes

[23:01] bakkiy_luv_care: brb

[23:01] Alien_Redrum1947: 3 MINUTES
[23:02] Alien_Redrum1947: 2 minutes

She came back, but I blocked her.

I'm a man of my word.

And if she ain't there, you're wasting my time...

My buddy told me about a month ago that he's going to be a father. Twins even.

My first response (after the congrats, of course) was:

"Dude, don't email me any fucking pictures. I don't want daily updates. I don't want weekly updates. I don't want monthly updates. I'll see the kids when I see them. Don't clutter up my email box."

He laughed. He's a guy. He understood.

Let me tell you parents something, single guys don't give a shit about the baby pictures. We put up a good face. We act like we care. We don't.

Just so we are keeping score, and there is no confusion:

Single guys do not want their email boxes filled up of baby's first Christmas.

Or baby's first steps.

Or baby's first, well, first any fucking thing.

Don't email pictures of the kid. We don't want to see them.

Now I know that sounds harsh, but we aren't women. We don't do the "awwwwwww" when we see the little rugrats on Santa's lap. The only thing we look for in the "baby's first pic with Santa" is the hot little Santa's helper. And if she ain't there, you're wasting my time.

Contrary to popular belief, I like kids. I want to have them. But that doesn't mean I want to look at them.

Email those pics to your girlfriends.

And don't get me started on the family photo albums.

Mahna Mahna...

I popped over to Quirky Muse's blog and he had an interesting post. Seemingly too good to be true, I had to investigate.

Muse tells us that "Mahna Mahna" the song from the Muppets, was originally written for a 1960's soft-core fuck-u-mentary about Swedish couples.

First, if you don't know what "Mahna Mahna" is, then shame on you. It's only one of the best songs EVER. However, since there are some people out there raised in a cave, the video can be downloaded here. It was most recently used in that cool ass Dr. Pepper commercial (which you can see on Dr. Pepper's site here - click on "media"). Thanks to this site for doing the work on the videos.

Now, I then found the soundtrack to the movie in question, where "Mah-na, Mah-na" is indeed listed on the soundtrack. The soundtrack for this sexploitation film that was banned in Sweden. SWEDEN!

Isn't Sweden famous for Swedish erotica?

That is simply awesome.

No wonder I like that damn song so much.

Mahna Mahna.

I'm working on it....

For those that liked the new look of the blog yesterday, and mentioned it, much thanks.

It will get back to that, but there were too many problems with the template I was using.

Thanks to shiki for helping me with what has turned out to be a big pain in the ass.

I just wasn't what she was looking for...

I was a late bloomer in life. Hell I didn't lose my virginity until I was 30.

Okay, that's a lie. But it was definitely later than these crazy kids are doing it today.

I don't think I went out on my first real "date" until I was 16. It wasn't the fact that I was turned down, it was the fact that I never asked anybody out. At all. I was excruciatingly shy around the ladies when I was a young buck. I'm still shy to a degree, but at least now I talk to them.

Like I said, I was 16 or so and I met this girl, Tori. I balled up and asked her out and, to my shock and amazement, she said yes. Looking back, though, she would have been a fool to say no. It was, after all, ME asking her out. But I'm digressing.

Anyway, we went out a few times, long enough to mess around, but not long enough to be considered dating.

One night she called and asked me to come over to her house and hang out. I said sure, and headed on over. When I got there she sat me down at the kitchen table and told me I just wasn't what she was looking for and we wouldn't be going out again.

I played a tough guy, said no problem, and left.

I got into my truck--well, my dad's truck as I didn't have a car yet--and started it up. The radio was already on.

And Love Bites by Def Leppard was playing.

I cried like a bitch on the way home.

The best part of the story, though, is a couple months later, Tori was on the front page of the local rag. I can't remember the headline, but it was one 16-year-old's story of being addicted to crack.

I just have that effect on the ladies.

On a side note, you can blame Lesley for these two back-to-back Def Leppard posts. Her latest '80s referencing blogs got me remembering my youth.

You were cooking and you know it...

A fellow reviewer of mine got into a car accident today. Fortunately he wasn't hurt, and there wasn't much damage to the car. Lucky guy.

Reminded me of the time I hit that deer. Wait, scratch that.

It reminded me of the time that deer hit me.

It was my 20th birthday. My friend--the only friend that didn't live with his folks (at the time)--lived in a small apartment about forty minutes from where I lived with my parents and he told me to come up for my party. Cool beans.

I grabbed a movie that was already a couple days overdue on the way out the door. Figured I might as well kill two birds with one stone. Or two deer with one car. Whichever came first.

I left my house in a hurry, wanting to get my drink on and everything, and headed to the video store. Part of the trip involved taking Middletown Road, which was notorious for accidents. Parts of it were twisty and turny, but I had no fear. I had driven that road so many times, I could probably do it blindfolded. Hell, I think I actually did drive it one night without the lights on.

Anyway, I was hitting about 65 on that road. Honestly, it was no big deal because it's a back road, and if you know it, you know it. The posted speed limit for what I like to think as for those who didn't know it was 35.

So I'm cruising along, when suddenly I see a deer step out in my lane and do what a deer does in that situation. It froze. Being the rock-solid-tough-as-nails driver I am, I didn't even panic. Knowing that slowing down wasn't going to do dick, I cut the wheel to the left lane. Joy hit me for a split second when I (thought I had) made it around the deer, then, BAM!

My car spun out of control.

The weird thing is, I remember every moment. But I don't remember it in "normal" speed, I remember it in slow motion. The car did a 450 (that's a 360 + 90), hit the ditch and went up and over. And barely a scratch on me.

I swear, if I knew I was going to get through it, more or less, scratch free, I would have sat back and enjoyed the ride. Instead, I took a final pull on my cigarette (which, somehow, I had held on to--a man has to hold onto the important things, you know), climbed out of my car through the busted passenger's side window and waved a car down. Fortunately, the person had a cell phone (and this was way before everyone had one like they do now) and they called the police for me.

Soon, a cop showed up and started taking the accident report (after verifying that I was okay, of course).

"How fast were you going?" Was his first question.

"Uh, 35, 40. Something like that." I wasn't quite sure what the speed limit was at the time.

"Uh huh. And what happened?" He asked. I don't think he bought my 35 or 40.

"A deer hit me."

"You hit a deer?"

"No. A deer hit ME." I said. My story. I'm sticking to it.

"Okay. Let's take a look." He took out his maglight and turned it on. "Where did this deer hit you?"

I pointed down the street, and his flashlight followed my finger. No sign of the deer. I was beginning to think I was fucked.

"Let's take a walk," he said. And I led the way to where I was hoping the deer would be.

We walked for a little bit (and by little bit, I mean little bit. This wasn't a hike. It was maybe 40 yards) and we came up to the deer. It wasn't moving.

The cop nudged the deer with his foot. "It's dead," he said. He then turned around and shined his flashlight to the general direction where my car was (neatly parked upside down between two trees) and he busted out laughing.

"Son," he said, "you were cooking and you know it."

I didn't say anything. No need to argue.

"But I'm not going to write you a ticket. You know why?"

"Why?" I asked.

"It's your birthday. Consider it a gift. Plus your car is totaled."

I smiled. I had to admit, the guy was pretty cool. "I don't think it's totaled," I said.

He laughed again. "Let's go take a look."

We headed back to my car and he gave it the once over with the flashlight. "See," I said," it doesn't look too bad. Just the passenger window was knocked out." And it didn't look too bad. There was virtually no damage to the sides.

"Son," he said, "you ever hear a car scream?"

What kind of question is that? "No," I said.

"You will tonight."

I didn't know what he meant until the tow truck came. In order to flip the car right side up, they had to drag the car onto the street for friction.

Metal dragged on pavement. I heard my car scream.

Once the car was flipped right side up, the cop walked around it again with his flashlight. I stood off to the side, smoking.

"Well I'll be damned, you were right." he said. "Son, come here."

I walked over and looked at the spot above the rear passenger wheel well his flashlight was centered on. There was a small dent, some hair and some blood.

"You know what that is?" He asked.

"Where the deer hit my car." I said.

"You're damn right. And that's how it's going into my report. Two more feet, you would have cleared it."

They towed the car back to my house where I called one of my friends to pick me up. He lived right up the street and, on the way, he picked up the deer, too.

That night we drank, the next night we had deer steak. Come to find out, the deer was a doe. And pregnant. My buddy couldn't get a lot of meat from it due to the bruising and such, but he got enough to give me some redemption.

Oh, and one of the weirder things I remember from that accident?

During the whole incident, Def Leppard's Let's Get Rocked was playing in the car, and the song ended right as I killed the engine and right before I climbed out of the car. It's as if I had my accident had a soundtrack.

Rock on.

I am not a Nazi...

The Expatriate Achtung! You are 23% brainwashworthy, 18% antitolerant, and 38% blindly patriotic

Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind Patriotism does not reach unhealthy levels. If you had been German in the 30s, you would've left the country. One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism. Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt. Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible you could have been one of them. Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi. The Would You Have Been A Nazi? Test - it rules -

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 16% on brainwashworthy You scored higher than 15% on antitolerant You scored higher than 53% on patriotic

Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test